Living Together in Love

Hitherto of thoſe common mutuall duties which tend to the preſeruation of the very being of mariage, and are in that reſpect abſolutely neceſſarie. The other common mutuall duties (though they be not of ſo abſolute neceſſitie as the former) are in their kinde neceſſary for the good eſtate of mariage, and for the better preſeruing of that knot: ſo as, if they be not performed, the end and right vſe of mariage will be peruerted, & that eſtate made vncomfortable, & very burdenſome. p. 225 The firſt of theſe is Loue. A louing mutuall affection muſt paſſe betwixt husband and wife, or elſe no dutie will be well performed: this is the ground of all the reſt. In ſome reſpects Loue is proper and peculiar to an husband, as²⁸⁴ I purpoſe to ſhew when I come to ſpeake of an husbands particular duties. But Loue is alſo required of wiues, and they are commanded to be louers of their husbands, as well as husbands to loue their wiues:²⁸⁵ ſo as it is a common mutuall dutie belonging to husband and wife too: and that is true wedlocke, when man and wife are linked together by the bond of loue. Vnder loue all other duties²⁸⁶ are compriſed: for without it no dutie can be well performed.²⁸⁷ Loue is the fulfilling of the Law, that is, the very life of all thoſe duties which the law requireth. It is the²⁸⁸ bond of perfection, which bindeth together all thoſe duties that paſſe betwixt partie and partie. Where loue aboundeth, there all duties will readily and cheerefully be performed. Where loue is wanting, there euery duty will either be altogether neglected, or ſo careleſly performed, that as good not be performed at all: in which reſpect the Apoſtle willeth, that all things be done²⁸⁹ in loue. Loue as it prouoketh the partie in whom it ruleth to doe all the good it can; ſo it ſtirreth vp the partie loued to repay good for good. It is like fire, which is not only hot in it ſelfe, but alſo conueigheth heat into that which is neere it: whence ariſeth a reflection of heat from one to another. Note how admirably this is ſet forth betwixt Chriſt and his Spouſe in the Song of Salomon: and it is further manifeſted in the examples of all good husbands and wiues noted in the Scripture: they did mutually beare a very louing affection one to another.

1. 284. Treat. 4. §. 2.
2. 285. φιλάνδρους εἶναι. Tit. 2. 4. Col. 3. 19.
3. 286. Hoc verum eſt coniugium, quando vinculo charitatis ſunt concatenati. Chryſ. hom. 45. in Gen.
4. 287. Rom. 13. 10. [moved in the edition]
5. 288. Col. 3. 14. [moved in the edition]
6. 289. 1 Cor. 16. 14.

Though loue be a general duty which euery one oweth to another,²⁹⁰ euen to his enemie, yet the neerer that God hath linked any together, the more are they bound to this dutie, and the more muſt they abound therein. But of all others are²⁹¹ man and wife moſt neerely and firmly linked together. Of all others therefore are they moſt bound hereunto, & that in the higheſt degree that may be, euen like to Ionathans loue, who loued Dauid²⁹² as his owne ſoule. Salomon ſaith, He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth fauour of the Lord: which by the p. 226 rule of relation is alſo true of an husband, Shee that findeth an husband findeth a good thing, and obtaineth fauour of the Lord. Man and wife therefore are each to other an eſpeciall pledge of Gods fauour, and in this reſpect aboue all others vnder God to be loued. If this be the ground (as it ought to be) of their mutuall²⁹³ loue, their loue will be feruent and conſtant. Neither will the want, or withering of any outward allurements, as beautie, perſonage, parentage, friends, riches, honours, or the like, with-hold or with-draw, extinguiſh or extenuate their loue: neither will any excellencies of nature or grace in other husbands and wiues draw their hearts from their owne to thoſe other: nor yet will the loue of a former yoake-fellow dead and gone, any whit leſſen the loue of the liuing mate.

1. 290. Matth. 5. 44.
2. 291. Treat. 1. §. 79, 80.
3. 292. 1 Sam. 18. 1. Prou. 18. 22.
4. 293. That which in Treat. 4. §. 2. 9. 11. is ſpoken of an husbands loue and intire affection, may alſo be applied in ſome reſpects to a wife: and ſo ſerue to amplifie this common mutuall dutie of loue.

This inſtance I haue the rather mentioned, becauſe in many,²⁹⁴ who are farre from ſetting their affection on ſtrange fleſh, their loue of a former husband or wife departed is ſo faſt fixed in their heart, as they can neuer againe ſo intirely loue any other. They who are ſo minded are not fit to be ioined with another yoke-fellow after they are looſed from one. If they mary againe, and manifeſt ſuch a minde, they plainly ſhew that they reſpect this or that perſon more then Gods ordinance. By Gods ordinance man and wife are no longer bound one to another then they liue together. Death is an abſolute diremption, and maketh an vtter diſſolution of the mariage bond. If the man²⁹⁵ be dead, the wife is deliuered from the law of the man, ſo as ſhee may take another man. Which liberty is alſo giuen to the man. Being now free, if they mary another (that other being now a true husband or wife) their loue muſt be as intire to that other as it was to the former: yea, and more intire, if there were any defect in the former. For as children maried out of their parents houſe muſt not retaine ſuch a loue of their parents as ſhall ſwallow vp their loue of the partie to whom they are maried, but muſt according to the law, leaue father and p. 227 mother, and cleaue to their yoke-fellow: ſo neither muſt the loue of a former husband or wife be predominant when they are maried to another. This other muſt be as cloſe cleaued vnto, as if they had neuer beene ioined to a former. The liuing husband or wife is the preſent pledge of Gods fauour. He is now thine owne husband: and ſhe is now thine owne wife: and not the partie that is dead. I denie not but the memorie of a vertuous husband or wife ought to be pretious to the ſuruiuing partie: for the memoriall of the iust is bleſſed.²⁹⁶ But as the vertue of a perſon deceaſed may not be buried with the dead corps: ſo neither may the perſon be kept aboue ground with the memorie of his or her vertue: which after a ſort is done, when loue of the partie deceaſed either taketh away, or extenuateth the loue of the liuing. This is to giue dominion to the dead ouer the liuing: which is more then the law enioyneth.

1. 294. Loue of after venters to be as intire as of former.
2. 295. Rom. 7. 2, 3.
3. 296. Prou. 10. 7.

There is a generation of ſo crabbed and crooked a diſpoſition²⁹⁷ as they cannot loue, but rather hate one another becauſe they are man and wife: for many husbands hauing wiues, and wiues husbands euery way worthy to be loued, will notwithſtanding ſay to the aſtoniſhment of the hearers, I haue indeed a good husband, or I haue a good wife: but I cannot loue him, or I cannot loue her: and being demanded a reaſon, ſticke not openly and impudently to reply, I thinke I could loue him if he were not mine husband, or I thinke I could loue her if ſhe were not my wife. O more then monſtrous impudencie! Is not this directly to oppoſe againſt Gods ordinance, and againſt that order which he hath ſet betwixt man and woman? Is it not to trample vnder foot Gods fauour? Though there were nothing elſe to moue loue but this, that ſuch an one is thine huſband, or ſuch an one is thy wife, yet this ſhould be motiue enough. And ſhall this be the ground of thine hatred? Aſſuredly ſuch a ſpirit is a plaine diabolicall ſpirit, contrary to that ſpirit which is from aboue; and if it be not p. 228 caſt out, it will caſt thoſe whom it poſſeſſeth into the fire of hell.

1. 297. * See Treat. 3. § 8. & Treat. 4. §. 10.

Among other meanes of maintaining an inward louing affection betwixt man and wife, outward mutuall peace, concord, and agreement is one of the principall. Whereupon the Apoſtle exhorteth to keepe the vnitie of the ſpirit in the bond of²⁹⁸ peace: for peace is a bond that tieth one to another, and maketh them to be as one, euen one in ſpirit: as on the contrary ſide outward diſcord diſunites mens ſpirits. We are enioined to follow peace with all men: how much more of all perſons ought²⁹⁹ husbands to haue peace with their wiues, and wiues with their husbands? they are neerer then brothers and ſiſters. Behold then how good and pleaſant a thing it is for them to dwell together in vnity.³⁰⁰ Dwell together they muſt: but without peace there is no dwelling together: It is better to dwell in a corner of the houſe top then with a contentious woman in a wide houſe. Perſons at variance were farre better be out of ſight and place, then preſent together. Out of ſight and place man and wife muſt not be, at peace therefore³⁰¹ they muſt be. Mutuall peace betwixt them is a great refreſhing to their mindes, being beaten with the diſcords of others. It is ſaid that a wife is in this reſpect as an hauen to man (how much more man to his wife?) If the hauen be calme, and free from ſtormes and tempeſts, what a refreſhing will it be to the Mariner that hath beene toſſed in the ſea with windes and waues?

1. 298. Epheſ. 4. 3.
2. 299. Heb. 12. 14. [moved in the edition]
3. 300. §. 14. Prou. 21. 9.
4. 301. Portus eſt mulier, & maximū ſecuritatis remedium. Si ventis & fluctibus portum liberaueris ex foro reuerſus tranquillè viues. Chryſ. hom. 26. in 1 Cor. 11.

For maintaining peace,

1. All offences ſo much as poſſibly may be muſt be auoided.³⁰² The husband muſt be watchfull ouer himſelfe that he giue no offence to his wife: and ſo the wife on the other ſide. Offences cauſe contentions.

1. 302. Directions for maintaining peace betwixt Man and Wife.

2. When an offence is giuen by the one partie, it muſt³⁰³ not be taken by the other; but rather paſſed by: and then will not peace be broken. The ſecond blow makes³⁰⁴ the fray.³⁰⁵

1. 303. 1. Auoid offence.
2. 304. 2. Take not offence.
3. 305. 3. Offer reconciliation.

3. If both be incenſed together, the fire is like to be the p. 229 greater: with the greater ſpeed therefore muſt they both labour to put it out. Wrath muſt not lie in bed with two ſuch³⁰⁶ bed-fellowes: neither may they part beds for wrath ſake. That this fire may be the ſooner quenched, they muſt both ſtriue firſt to offer reconciliation. Theirs is the glory who doe firſt begin, for they are moſt properly the bleſſed peacemakers. Not³⁰⁷ to accept peace when it is offered is more then heatheniſh: but when wrath is incenſed, to ſeeke atonement is the dutie of a Chriſtian, and a grace that commeth from aboue.

1. 306. Eph. 4. 26. [moved in the edition]
2. 307. Mat. 5. 9. [moved in the edition]

4. Children, ſeruants, nor any other in the family muſt be³⁰⁸ bolſtred vp by the one againſt the other. The mans partaking with any of the houſe againſt his wife, or the wiues againſt her husband, is an vſuall cauſe of contention betwixt man and wife.

1. 308. 4. Take no part with others.

5. They muſt forbeare to twit one another in the teeth³⁰⁹ with the husbands or wiues of other perſons: or with their owne former husbands or wiues (in caſe they haue had any before.) Compariſons in this kinde are very odious. They ſtir vp much paſſion, and cauſe great contentions.

1. 309. 5. Make not compariſons.

6. Aboue all they muſt take heed of raſh and vniuſt iealouſie,³¹⁰ which is the bane of mariage, and greateſt cauſe of diſcontent that can be giuen betwixt man and wife. Iealous perſons are ready to picke quarrels, and to ſeeke occaſions of diſcord: they will take euery word, looke, action, and motion, in the worſe part, and ſo take offence where none is giuen. When iealouſie is once kindled, it is as a flaming fire that can hardly be put out. It maketh the partie whom it poſſeſſeth implacable.³¹¹

1. 310. 6. Be not iealous.
2. 311. Pro. 6. 34, 35. [moved in the edition]

7. In all things that may ſtand with a good conſcience they muſt endeuour to pleaſe one another: and either of³¹² them ſuffer their owne will to be croſſed, rather then diſcontent to be giuen to the other. Saint Paul noteth this as a common³¹³ mutuall dutie belonging to them both, and expreſſeth their care thereof vnder a word that ſignifieth more then ordinarie³¹⁴ care, and implieth a diuiding of the minde into diuers thoughts, caſting this way, and that way, and euery way how to giue beſt content.

1. 312. 7. Pleaſe one another.
2. 313. 1 Cor. 7. 33, 34.
3. 314. μεριμνᾶν, quasi μερίζειν τὸν νοῦν.

Contrary to mutuall peace are contentions betwixt man and wife: which are too frequent in moſt families, and by which³¹⁵ the common good is much hindered. Diſcord betwixt man and wife in an houſe is as contention betwixt the maſter and pilot in a ſhip: may not great danger, and much miſchiefe be thence iuſtly feared? We heard before that man to his wife, and ſhe to him, is as an hauen. Now by experience we finde that if the hauen be tempeſtuous it is much more troubleſome, and dangerous to the Mariner then the wide ſea. Wherefore let man and wife be of the ſame minde one to another as Abraham was to Lot, and when occaſions of diſcord are offered, ſay, Let there be no ſtrife betwixt thee and me, for we are man and wife: no more two, but one fleſh.

1. 315. Cùm vir & vxor domi diſſentiunt, nihilo melius naui iactata domus illa diſponitur, cùm gubernator aduerſus prorae directo. rem diſſentiat. Chryſ. loc. citat. Gen. 13. 8.

From a mutuall affection of loue proceedeth a mutuall prouident care in husband and wife one for another. In handling whereof we will firſt note the meanes whereby their mutuall prouidence may be the better effected and manifeſted, and then the matter whereabout it muſt be conuerſant. The meanes in one word is cohabitation. For a dutie it is that man and wife dwell together. The phraſe vſed in ſetting out the womans creation (he built a woman, whereby the erecting of³¹⁶ a family is intimated) implieth as much: ſo doth the law of mariage whereby man is enioyned to leaue father and mother, and to cleaue vnto his wife, that is, to goe out of his fathers houſe, and to dwell with his wife: and ſo doth this phraſe (forget³¹⁷ thy fathers houſe) taken from the dutie of a wife, and myſtically applied to the Church. Saint Peter expreſly chargeth huſbands³¹⁸ to dwell with their wiues: and Saint Paul layeth it to³¹⁹ the charge both of husbands and wiues not to leaue one another, but to dwell together, yea though the one be an infidell. Surely it was conſcience of this dutie which made the³²⁰ Leuite to goe after his wife, that went away from him, to bring her home againe: and which made³²¹ Iaakobs wiues to leaue their fathers houſe, and goe with their husband.³²² The word vnder which Saint Peter compriſeth this dutie is a title appropriated to an husband: and an anſwerable title is appropriated to p. 231 a wife: from which the notation of our two vſuall Engliſh words (husband, houſewife) doth not much differ.

1. 316. יבן Vide Muſc. in Gen. 2. 22. See Treat. 1. §. 79.
2. 317. Pſal. 45. 10.
3. 318. 1 Pet. 3 7.
4. 319. 1 Cor. 7. 12, 13.
5. 320. Iudg. 19. 3.
6. 321. Gen. 31. 14. [moved in the edition]
7. 322. συνοικοῦντες. συνοικῶν coniux. σύνοικος vxor.

The power which the one hath of the others body, and³²³ the aduantage which by liuing aſunder, they giue vnto Satan, (both of which are expreſly noted, 1 Cor. 7. 4, 5.) doe ſhew the neceſſity of this dutie: and the many benefits ariſing from thence doe further preſſe the equity of it. By husbands and³²⁴ wiues dwelling together all mariage duties are better performed: mutuall loue is better bred, preſerued, and increaſed: the good gifts of either of them are better obſerued by the other: better helpe and ſuccour is mutually by each afforded to the other: and in fine they are made more capable of doing good one to another, and of receiuing good one from another. Why then ſhould they haue any minde of liuing aſunder, vnleſſe they be forced by extraordinary occaſions, as captiuity, cloſe impriſonment, contagious ſickneſſe, and ſuch like, which are no faults of theirs, but croſſes to be borne with griefe; and inſtant praier, together with all other good meanes, to be vſed to bring them together againe? Yea if the impriſonment, baniſhment, or other like kinde of abſence,³²⁵ be ſuch as one may if they will come at the other, the partie that is free ought to come to the other, if at leaſt that other require it.

1. 323. Reaſons for cohabitation.
2. 324. Benefits of cohabitation.
3. 325. D. Fulke againſt Rhem. on 1 Cor. 7. §. 6.

Anſw. There can nor ought to be any cauſe of vtter relinquiſhing one another, which is a kinde of³²⁶ deſertion: but for liuing aſunder for a time there may be iuſt cauſes, as

1. 326. §. 3.

1. Weighty and vrgent affaires which concerne the good of the Church, or commonwealth: as when a man is ſent forth to warre, or on an ambaſſage (in which caſe though he may take his wife with him, yet is he not neceſſarily bound there to, eſpecially if the place whither he is ſent be farre off, the paſſage thereto difficult and dangerous, and his abode there not long.) When³²⁷ Reuben, Gad, and halfe the tribe of Manaſſch paſſed ouer Iorden to helpe their brethren in their battels p. 232 againſt the Canaanites, they left their wiues behinde them in their families:³²⁸ when Vriah went to warre, he left his wife at home: and³²⁹ when Moſes was to bring Iſrael out of Egypt, his wife remained at her fathers houſe.

1. 327. Numb. 32. 26, 27. [moved in the edition]
2. 328. 2 Sam. 11. 3, 6.
3. 329. Exo. 18. 2.

2. Maine duties of their particular calling: as of Mariners, who are oft to be on the ſea: Merchants who trade in other countries: Lawyers who attend publike places of iuſtice: Courtiers, who in their months, or quarters, attend their Prince: Keepers of women in child-bed, and ſicke perſons: and other nurſes.

Prouided alwaies that in theſe, and other like caſes, there be³³⁰ a ioynt and mutuall conſent of both parties: for if man and wife may not defraud one another for a time to giue themſelues to faſting and praier without conſent: much leſſe may they for lighter occaſions liue any time aſunder without³³¹ conſent. Prouided alſo that they take no delight to liue aſunder, but rather be grieued that they are forced ſo to doe: and in teſtimony thereof to take all occaſions that they can to manifeſt their longing deſire one after another by letters, meſſages, tokens, and other like kindneſſes: and to returne with all the ſpeed they can. No diſtance, or abſence ought any whit to diminiſh their mutuall loue.

1. 330. Abſence, 1. not without conſent. 1 Cor. 7. 5.
2. 331. 2. Not with delight. Si vir ad peregrina contenderit, nulla longin. quitas, nulla abſentia complacitam minuat charitatem. Ambr. Hexaem. l. 5. c. 7.

Contrarie to the dutie of cohabitation is the doctrine of Papiſts, whereby they teach, that

1. 332. Si quis dixerit Eccleſiam errore cùm ob multas cauſas ſeparationem inter coniuges quoad thorum, ſen cohabitationem, ad certum, incertumue tempus fieri poſſe decernit, Anathema ſit. Concil. Trid. §. 24. can. 8.

Separation may be made betwixt man and wife for many cauſes from bed, or cohabitation, for a certaine or vncertaine time. The Councell of Trent is bold to denounce Anathema againſt ſuch as ſay, the Church erreth therein. If the many cauſes which they alledge, beſides adulterie, be well weighed, we ſhall finde them without all warrant of Gods word.³³³ They draw them to two heads, 1. Mutuall conſent. 2. Demerit.

1. 333. Bellarm. de Matrim. l. 1. c. 14.

By conſent (ſay they) of both parties maried to attaine a greater and perfecter estate, mariage conſummate may be looſed from bed and cohabitation.

Anſw. 1. In mariage there is a couenant of God (Prou. 2. 17.) p. 233 as well as of the two parties: the conſent therefore of parties is not ſufficient to breake it.

2. No eſtate in this world can be greater or perfecter then is meet for maried perſons. Adam and Eue in their beſt eſtate were maried: and now is mariage honourable in all.³³⁴

1. 334. Heb. 13. 4.

3. The eſtates which they count more perfect, are either ſuch as are not in mans power (as perpetuall continencie) or ſuch as may be as well performed by maried perſons as by ſingle perſons (as Eccleſiaſticall functions) if at leaſt they be ſuch as are warranted by Gods word. High Prieſts, and other Prieſts, all ſorts of Leuites, extraordinarie Prophets and Apoſtles were maried. What greater functions then theſe?

The cauſes which for demerit, they ſay, make a ſeparation, are 1. Adulterie. 2. Departing from the Catholike faith. 3. Soliciting or impelling vnto ſinne.

Concerning³³⁵ Adulterie, we denie not, but that it giueth iuſt cauſe of diuorce: but withall we ſay (as³³⁶ we haue good warrant from Chriſts words) that it is the only cauſe of iuſt diuorce. For to make a ſeparation for departing from the Catholike faith,³³⁷ is directly contrarie to S. Pauls and S. Peters doctrine, 1 Cor. 7. 12, 13, 14. 1 Pet. 3. 1.

1. 335. See §. 5.
2. 336. Matth. 5. 32.
3. 337. Fidei gratia vxorem ne eijcias. Chryſ. hom. 19. in 1 Cor. 7.

As for ſoliciting and impelling vnto ſinne, though it may be cauſe to moue an husband or a wife to walke more warily and³³⁸ wiſely, and in extremitie to auoid ſocietie for a time, or to complaine to the Magiſtrate for releefe, who may ſee it meet to lay the delinquent perſon in priſon, or elſe otherwiſe keepe them ſunder till that delinquent be reclaimed and brought to a better minde: yet is it no ſufficient cauſe finally to diſſolue marriage in regard of bed and cohabitation.

1. 338. Si ferus moribus fit coniux, perferat illum vxor, nec vllam ob cauſam ſocietatem, vinculumꝗ diſſoluere patiatur. Baſil. Hexaem. bom. 7. Matth. 5. 29.

They vrge that if the right eye cauſe to offend, it muſt be plucked out.

Anſ. 1. That is but a metaphor, and may ſundry other wayes be applied.

2. The words are not ſimply, but by way of compariſon to be taken, rather plucke it out, then to be made to ſtumble thereby.

3. Plucking out, applied to the point in hand, may be by many other wayes, then by diſſoluing mariage.

4. That generall inhibition (whoſoeuer ſhall put away his wife,³³⁹ p. 234 cauſeth her to commit adulterie) reſtrained only with the exception of fornication, admitteth neither this, nor any other ſuch cauſe of diſſoluing mariage.

1. 339. Matth. 5. 32.

Contrarie alſo to the forenamed dutie of cohabitation, is the practiſe of many men, who liuing themſelues in one place (ſuppoſe at London) ſend their wiues vnto ſome countrey houſe, and there euen mew them vp, as Hawkes, neuer caring to come at them, but are then moſt merrie, when their wiues are fartheſt off. If their wiues liue at home they will be abroad, mealing and lodging where their wiues ſhall not know: their owne houſe is as a priſon to them: they are not well, but when they are out of it. Of the like lewd conceit and practife are many wiues, who on no other occaſion then meere lightneſſe, being eager in purſuing their pleaſures, and ſatisfying their luſts, gad out of their owne houſes in the day, lie out of them in the night, and remaine in other company dayes and nights: or at leaſt are glad when their husbands haue occaſion to be from home; not vnlike to the light huſwife which Salomon deſcribeth, Prou. 7. 10. &c. I ſpeake of matters too famous, or rather infamous. I would there were no iuſt cauſe to taxe this lightneſſe. But let ſuch as deſire to approue themſelues to God or man, take heed of theſe hainous and more then heatheniſh vices. Though Iſrael play the harlot, yet let not Iudah³⁴⁰ offend.

1. 340. Hoſ. 4. 15.

Too neere to the forenamed kinde of vnlawfull ſeparation³⁴¹ doe they come, who though they liue both in one houſe, yet make that houſe by their eſtranging themſelues one from another as two houſes: the man abiding in one end thereof, his wife in another: and ſo haue their ſeuerall roomes, ſeuerall tables, ſeuerall ſeruants, all ſeuerall: Or if the ſtraitneſſe of their houſe will not ſuffer them ſo to part other roomes, yet they will haue ſeuerall bed-chambers, or at leaſt ſeuerall beds: ſo as they that ſhall call them bed-fellowes, ſhall but nicke-name them. Thus they rob each other of that due beneuolence which they mutually owe one to another, they expoſe themſelues to the deuils ſnares, they more and more eſtrange their p. 235 hearts one from another, and depriue themſelues of ſuch mutuall comforts and helpes, as by matrimoniall ſocietie they might afford to, and receiue from one another.

1. 341. Man and wifes fault in parting roomes and beds in the ſame houſe.