A Husband’s Patient Correcting of His Wife

The forenamed mildeneſſe of an huſband muſt be manifeſted in his Speech,

Cariage.

1. 1041. Treat. 3. §. 13. 14. Wherein a husbands mildneſſe is manifeſted. [moved in the edition]

For ſo far as reuerence extends it ſelfe in the duties of wiues, muſt mildneſſe be extended in the duties of husbands.

Whether an husbands ſpeech be to his wife before her face, or of her¹⁰⁴² behinde her backe, it muſt be ſweetned with mildneſſe.

1. 1042. Of his ſpeech about her behinde her backe, See Treat. 2. Part. 2. §. 36. The ſpeech of husbands to their wiues ſweetned with mildneſſe.

1. For his ſpeech to her, 1. The titles wherewith he calleth her. 2. The inſtructions which he giueth her. 3. The commandements which he layeth vpon her. 4. The reproofes wherewith he checketh her, muſt all be mixed with mildneſſe.

Among other titles, the moſt ordinary and vſuall title (wife)¹⁰⁴³ p. 372 is a milde and kinde title, and leaſt offenſiue of all other: if an husband giue any other title to his wife, it muſt be ſuch an one as manifeſteth kindneſſe, familiaritie, loue, and delight. Such are all the titles which Chriſt giueth to the Church, as Spouſe, Loue, Doue, with the like. I doe not deny but that in the Song of Salomon, and in other places of Scripture many titles are giuen and ſpeeches vſed by Chriſt to the Church which are not meet to be vſed by husbands to their wiues, becauſe they are metaphoricall, and hyperbolicall: but yet in them all we may obſerue tokens of amiableneſſe, kindneſſe, and mildneſſe, which is the end for which I haue alledged his example.

1. 1043. 1. Mild and kinde titles.

But contrary are ſuch titles as on the one ſide ſet the wife¹⁰⁴⁴ in too high a place ouer her husband, as Lady, Miſtreſſe, Dame, Mother, &c. And on the other ſide ſet her in too meane a rancke, as woman, wench, &c. And their Chriſtian names contracted, as Sal, Mal, Beſſe, Nan. &c. and names of kindred, as Siſter, and Coſen: and, opprobrious names, as ſtut, drab, queant; and names more befitting beaſts then wiues, as Cole, Browne, Muggle, &c.

1. 1044. Contrary, vnſeemely titles.

Obiect. Theſe are titles of mildneſſe, kindneſſe, and much familiarity: for husbands call their wiues by theſe names, not when they are angry with them and diſpleaſed, but ordinarily, and vſually, euen when they are beſt pleaſed.

Anſw. The mildneſſe and familiarity which is required of an husband muſt be ſuch as may ſtand with his authority and place of eminency (as ſome of thoſe names doe not,) and with that neere coniunction which is betwixt man and wife about all others (as other doe not,) and with Chriſtian grauity and diſcretion (as other doe not.) Chriſtians therefore muſt take heed that by their practiſe they iuſtifie not corrupt cuſtomes.

2. To inſtruction the Apoſtle expreſly annexeth meekneſſe,¹⁰⁴⁵ Inſtruct (ſaith he) with meekeneſſe, thoſe that oppoſe themſelues. If miniſters muſt vſe meekeneſſe when they inſtruct their people, much more husbands when they inſtruct their wiues: if¹⁰⁴⁶ in caſe of oppoſition meekeneſſe muſt not be laid aſide, then in no caſe, at no time.

1. 1045. Inſtruction to be giuen with meekneſſe.
2. 1046. 2 Tim. 2. 25. τοὺς ἀντιδιατιθεμένους.

p. 373 In this caſe to manifeſt meekeneſſe, let theſe rules be obſerued.¹⁰⁴⁷

1. 1047. Directions to inſtruct with meekeneſſe.

1. Note the vnderſtanding and capacity of thy wife, and accordingly fit thine inſtructions: if ſhe be of meane capacity, giue precept vpon precept, line vpon line, here a little and there a little: a little at once oft giuen (namely euery day ſomething) will ariſe in time to a great meaſure, and ſo ariſe, as, together with knowledge of the thing taught, loue of the perſon that teacheth will increaſe.

2. Inſtruct her in priuate betwixt thy ſelfe and her, that ſo her ignorance may not be blazed forth: priuate actions paſſing betwixt man and wife are tokens of much kindneſſe and familiarity.

3. In the family ſo inſtruct children and ſeruants when ſhe is preſent, as ſhe may learne knowledge thereby: there can be no more meeke and gentle manner of inſtructing, then by one to inſtruct another.

4. Together with thy precepts mixe ſweet and pithy perſwaſions,¹⁰⁴⁸ which are teſtimonies of great loue.

1. 1048. Contrary, harſhneſſe.

Contrary is an harſh and rough manner of inſtructing, when husbands goe about to thruſt into their wiues heads, as it were by violence, deepe myſteries which they are not able to conceiue, and yet if they conceiue not, they will be angry with them, and in anger giue them euill language, and proclaime their ignorance before children, ſeruants, and ſtrangers. This harſhneſſe is ordinarily ſo fruitleſſe, and withall ſo exaſperateth a womans ſpirit, as I thinke he were better cleane omit the duty then doe it after ſuch a manner.

3. The commandements which an husband giueth to his wife, whether they be affirmatiue (bidding her to doe ſomething) or negatiue (forbidding her to doe this or that) muſt all be ſeaſoned with mildneſſe. For which end reſpect muſt be had to the matter and manner of his commandements.

1. 1049. Treat. 3. §. 43, 51, 52. 63, 64. &c. Commandements to be ordered with mildneſſe. [moved in the edition]

In regard of the matter the things which he commandeth¹⁰⁵⁰ his wife to doe, muſt be

• 1. Such as are indeed lawfull and honeſt.
• p. 374 2. Such as ſhe is perſwaded to be ſo.
• 3. Such as beſeeme her place.
• 4. Such as are of weight and moment.

1. 1050. What things he may command his wife.

And on the contrary, the things which he forbiddeth muſt be

• 1. Such as are indeed vnlawfull to be done.¹⁰⁵¹
• 2. Such as he can euidently proue vnto her to be vnlawfull.
• 3. Such as are vnbeſeeming her place.
• 4. Such as will haue ſome euill and miſchieuous effect if they be done.

1. 1051. What things he may forbid his wife.

1. To command a thing vnlawfull, or forbid a thing which ought to be done, is to bring his owne authority into oppoſition with Gods: in which caſe he bringeth his wife into this ſtrait, either to reiect Gods commandement or his. How then can ſhe thinke that her husband loueth her, when he bringeth her into ſuch ſnares and ſtraits, that ſhe muſt needs fall into the gulfe of Gods diſpleaſure, or knocke againſt the rocke of her husbands offence? Mildneſſe is farre from ſuch commandements.

2. The like may be ſaid of ſuch things as to a wiues conſcience¹⁰⁵² ſeeme to be ſinnefull, if they be enioyned to her; or her bounden duty, if they be forbidden: eſpecially if ſhe haue any ground for her conſcience out of Gods word. The conſcience is ſubiect to God alone: if it be forced it will be a fearefull horror, and a very hell in that party whoſe conſcience is forced: She that doubteth is condemned if ſhe doe that whereof¹⁰⁵³ ſhe maketh doubt.

1. 1052. Such things as a wife maketh doubt of, not to be preſſed vpon her.
2. 1053. Rom. 14. 23.

1. Obiect. In doubtfull matters the commanding power¹⁰⁵⁴ of a gouernour is ſufficient warrant and ground to reſolue the conſcience of them that are vnder authority.

1. 1054. Of what doubtfull things the commanding power of a gouernour may be a warrant.

Anſw. 1. In things meerely doubtfull concerning which the partie in ſubiection hath not warrant out of Gods word one way or other, it may be ſo. But when the conſcience doth not doubt and hang in ſuſpence, but is out of ſome ground taken from Gods word perſwaded that that which is commanded is vnlawfull, or that which is forbidden is a bounden dutie, then to doe this, or to leaue that vndone, is to the party ſo perſwaded a ſinne: and this is the doubting (whereof the p. 375 Apoſtle ſpeaketh) that condemneth a man. In this caſe to vrge a wife to doe this, or not to doe that, is to vrge her to ſinne: which a milde ſpirit and louing heart will not doe.

2. Though the husbands command be ſufficient warrant to the wife, and if he peremptorily preſſe her to this or that, ſhe ought to yeeld, yet the loue and mildneſſe required of an husband ſhould make him ſo to tender her as to remit ſomething of his power, and when he ſeeth her conſcience troubled about his command, to releeue her conſcience by for bearing to preſſe that which ſeemeth ſo burthenſome to her. A husband may ſinne in preſſing that too much vpon his wife, which ſhe vpon his preſſing may without ſinne yeeld vnto.

2. Obiect. What if an husband vpon his knowledge obſerue his wife to be erroneouſly ſcrupulous, and to miſinterpret and miſapply the word of God which ſhe maketh the ground of her ſcruple?

1. 1055. Treat. 4. §. 66. [moved in the edition]

Anſw. He muſt firſt labour to reſolue her conſcience by a plaine diſcouery of her error; which is a true and a great token of loue: if notwithſtanding all that he can doe in that kinde ſhe cannot be brought to yeeld to that which he would haue, then he muſt carefully obſerue theſe two things.

• 1. Whether her refuſing to yeeld, be an obſtinacy, or weakeneſſe.
• 2. Whether it be about a ſleight or weighty matter.

By the reaſons which ſhe rendreth, and her manner of preſſing¹⁰⁵⁶ them, he may diſcerne whether weakeneſſe or obſtinacy make her ſtand out againſt him: if the reaſon which ſhe reſteth on taken from Gods word be doubtfull, and to one that hath not a good ſound iudgement, and a ſharpe diſcerning wit, it may appeare to make ſomething for her, it is to be preſuppoſed that there is more weakeneſſe then ſtoutneſſe in her. But if ſhe can render no good reaſon, but only take euery ſhew that any way ſeemeth to incline to her words, and peremptorily holdeth the concluſion, and ſtifly ſtandeth on her owne reſolution, though the vanity of her pretences be euidently diſcouered to her, ſo as ſhe hath not any thing further to obiect; p. 376 or if ſhe render no reaſon at all but her owne thought, conceit and will, and yet refuſeth to yeeld, ſurely obſtinacy poſſeſſeth her heart. In caſe of obſtinacy it is very expedient that an husband ſtand vpon his power to maintaine his authority, and by the beſt wiſdome he can (vſing only ſuch meanes as are lawfull) bring her to yeeld from her ſtoutneſſe to that which he requireth: eſpecially if the matter be weighty: as in caſe a religious man haue been maried to a Popiſh wife, and ſhe by no reaſon will be moued to forbeare going to Maſſe, or yeeld to goe to the preaching of the Goſpell. But if through weakeneſſe ſhe cannot be perſwaded of the lawfulneſſe of that her husband requireth, and the matter required be of no great conſequence, nor the weakeneſſe of her conſcience cauſe any great error, an husband ought ſo farre to manifeſt his mildneſſe as to forbeare to preſſe her conſcience.

1. 1056. How a wiues refuſing to yeeld may be diſcerned to be on obſtinacy or weakeneſſe.

3. Things vnbeſeeming the place of a wife are diſhonourable vnto her: for an husband to vrge his wife by ſtrict charge to doe them, implieth more rigorouſneſſe then mildneſſe. Had the ſpirit of that ſtout Monarch Ahaſhueroſh beene more milde towards his wife, he would not haue ſo farre preſſed his wife vnto ſo vnſeemly a thing as he did, namely, to come before all his Princes and people to make ſhew of her beautie. It is true indeed (as we ſhewed¹⁰⁵⁸ before) that ſhe offended in refuſing to yeeld thereunto, he peremptorily requiring it; but that offence on her part doth not juſtifie his fact, and free him from all blame: it is noted, that he was merry with wine, when he gaue that commandement,¹⁰⁵⁹ whereby is intimated, that his practiſe was more beſeeming a drunken, then a ſober man: ſuch is their practiſe who exact of their wiues to doe ſuch buſineſſes as beſeeme maid-ſeruants rather then wiues, or ſtrumpets rather then honeſt women; as to goe to tauernes, ale-houſes, play-houſes, and ſuch places where light companions be.

1. 1057. Treat. 3. §. 43, 44. &c. [moved in the edition]
2. 1058. Treat. 3. §. 28.
3. 1059. Eſt. 1. 10.

4. To vſe a mans authoritie about weightie matters, matters of moment, maketh it to haue ſuch weight in it, as it will much better p. 377 be regarded: for thus a wife will either be brought to yeeld vnto that which is commanded, or to condemne her ſelfe for not yeelding: yea thus a wife may ſee, that it is not his owne will ſo much which maketh him to vſe his authoritie in commanding, as the neceſſitie of the thing it ſelfe, which redoundeth eſpecially to her good that doth it: for the performance of a dutie is for the moſt part moſt aduantageable to the partie that performeth it, ſo as hereby an husband ſheweth loue to his wife in preſſing that which he preſſeth.

This token of loue that it may the better appeare, it is behouefull¹⁰⁶⁰ that an husband adde to his commandement iuſt & weightie reaſons, that thereby his wife may the better diſcerne the meetneſſe, lawfulneſſe, expediencie, and neceſſitie of the things commanded. We know that all the things which God commandeth are weightie and neceſſarie: yea his will (being the very rule, and ground of all goodneſſe) maketh things abſolutely neceſſarie, yet vnto his commandements he vſeth to adde weightie reaſons; ſhewing on the one ſide the benefit and bleſſedneſſe that will come to ſuch as obey his commandements; and on the other ſide, the miſchiefe and miſerie that will fall on their pates who refuſe to obey; whereby he ſheweth the great good reſpect which he beareth to vs, and the earneſt deſire he hath of our good. Thus may an husband euen in his commandements ſhew much loue and kindneſſe.

1. 1060. Reaſons of preſſing a cōmandement to be rendred.

Contrary is the peremptorie pride of husbands, when they will haue their owne will done: it booteth not whether the thing commanded be lawfull or vnlawfull, whether their wiues conſciences can yeeld vnto it or no, whether it ſtand with the honour of their places or no, and whether it be weightie or light; their will it is it ſhould be done, and done it ſhall be, there is all the reaſon they will giue. Some thinke it a glory to command what they liſt; and thinke that there is no proofe of their authoritie, and of their wiues ſubiection, but in ſuch things as vpon their own will, without any further ground or reaſon, they command. If ſuch husbands meet with confronts; if though they command much, they finde not anſwerable performance; they may thanke themſelues, p. 378 who runne the ready courſe to haue their authoritie contemned and euen troden vnder foot.

Reſpect muſt be had by husbands to the manner of vſing their authoritie in commanding as well as to the matter.

In regard of the manner his commandements muſt be

• 1. Rare, not too frequent.
• 2. By way of intreating, not too peremptorie.

Authoritie is like a ſword, which with ouer much vſing will¹⁰⁶¹ be blunted, and ſo faile to doe that ſeruice which otherwiſe it might when there is moſt need. A wiſe, graue, peaceable man, may alwayes haue his ſword in readineſſe, and that alſo very bright, keene, and ſharpe: but he will not be very ready to plucke it out of his ſcabberd; he rather keepeth it for a time of need, when it ſhould ſtand him in moſt ſteed. Such husbands therefore as are too frequent in their commands, ſhew themſelues nor graue, nor wiſe, nor louers of peace.

1. 1061. 1. Commanding muſt be rare.

As the vſe of an husbands authoritie in commanding muſt be¹⁰⁶² rare, ſo when there is occaſion to vſe it, it muſt be with ſuch mildneſſe and moderation tempered, ſo as (according to Saint Pauls example) though he haue power to command that which is conuenient, yet for loues ſake he rather intreat it. Note how mildly Abram frameth his ſpeech to his wife, Say I pray thee¹⁰⁶³ (ſaith he) thou art my ſister. Though the thing he required fauoured of too much weakneſſe, yet his manner of requiring it was well beſeeming a kinde husband.

1. 1062. 2. Commanding muſt be by way of intreating. Philem. 9.
2. 1063. Gen. 12. 13.

Contrary is the inſolencie of many, who cannot ſpeake to their wiues, but in commanding-wiſe. Their authoritie is like a ſwaggerers ſword, which cannot long reſt in the ſheath, but vpon euery ſmall occaſion is drawne forth. This frequent vſe of commanding, maketh their commandements nought regarded. The like may be ſaid of them who are too peremptorie in commanding: there muſt be no ſaying of nay, to that which they ſay: vpon command they will haue their minde done, and no other way: no perſwaſion, no intreatie ſhall be vſed: they will rather not at all haue their will done, then not vpon abſolute command: nay they p. 379 will not ſuffer others, in caſe of any refuſall, to intreat, or perſwade, but will try what abſolutely they can doe by authoritie. Thus as by trying to bend ſteele how farre it will goe, it oft breaketh; ſo by putting their authoritie to the vttermoſt triall, they oft loſe all their authoritie: in which caſe the mends (as we ſpeake) is in their owne hands.

4. The authoritie and charge which God hath giuen to an husband ouer his wife, doe require that as good and iuſt occaſion is offered, he ſhould reproue her: for this is an eſpeciall meanes to draw her from thoſe ſinnes, wherein otherwiſe ſhee might liue and lie, yea and die alſo; and ſo liue, lie, and die vnder Gods wrath: out of which miſerie and wretchedneſſe to free a wife, is as great a token of loue, as to pull her out of the water when ſhe is in danger of drowning, or out of the fire when ſhe is in danger of burning. Solomon thus ſtileth reproofes,¹⁰⁶⁵ reproofes of life, and expreſly noteth¹⁰⁶⁶ reproofes to be the way of life, a meanes to breed and preſerue ſpirituall life, and to bring one vnto eternall life, and ſo to eſcape death and damnation. In theſe reſpects rebukes are called a pretious balme, or excellent oyle, which may heale a wound, but make none: it¹⁰⁶⁷ breaketh not the head, as the Pſalmiſt ſpeaketh. Vpon this ground, no doubt, it is noted of many good husbands, who were without all queſtion, louing, kinde, meeke, and milde husbands, that they reproued their wiues: as¹⁰⁶⁸ Iaakob,¹⁰⁶⁹ Iob,¹⁰⁷⁰ Dauid, and others.

1. 1064. Treat. 3. §. 47. Husbands ought to reproue. [moved in the edition]
2. 1065. Pro. 15. 31. [moved in the edition]
3. 1066. & 6. 23. [moved in the edition]
4. 1067. Pſal. 141. 5. See the fruits of reproofe, Treat. 3. §. 47. [moved in the edition]
5. 1068. Gen. 30. 2. [moved in the edition]
6. 1069. Iob 2. 10. [moved in the edition]
7. 1070. 2 Sam. 6. 21, 22. [moved in the edition]

Contrary is a ſeruile and timorous minde of many husbands, who are loth to offend, and (as they thinke) to prouoke their wiues; and thereupon chuſe rather to let them continue in ſinne, then tell them of it. Wherein they both diſhonour their place, and the image of God, which by vertue of their place they carry, and alſo in effect and in truth hate their wiues; which the Law implieth, where it ſaith, Thou ſhalt not hate thy brother in thine heart,¹⁰⁷¹ but ſhalt plainly rebuke thy neighbour, and not ſuffer ſinne vpon him.

1. 1071. Leuit. 19. 17.

That an husband may euidently demonſtrate that his reprouing of his wife is indeed a fruit of his loue, he muſt haue an eſpeciall p. 380 care to ſweeten it, eſpecially with mildneſſe: for it is the bittereſt pill that by an husband can be giuen to a wife. It is a verball correction, & in that reſpect a middle meanes (as I may ſo ſpeake) betwixt admonition and correction; partaking ſomewhat of both: it goeth no further then words, and ſo is an admonition: the words of a reproofe are ſharpe, and ſo it is a correction: though it be but a milde correction, yet it is a ſharpe admonition; and all the correction which by himſelfe an husband can giue his wife: for we ſhall¹⁰⁷³ after ſhew that he may not proceed to blowes, and ſtrokes.

1. 1072. Treat. 3. §. 47 An husbands reproofe muſt be ſweetned with mildnes. [moved in the edition]
2. 1073. §. 44.

To ſweeten reproofe with mildneſſe reſpect muſt be had (as before was noted of commanding) both to the matter, and alſo to the manner thereof.

The matter of reproofe muſt be¹⁰⁷⁴ 1. Iuſt.

2. Weightie.

1. 1074. Matter of reproofe. 1. Iuſt.

Iuſtice requireth that it be a truth, and a knowne truth, euen a thing whereof he is aſſured, for which he reproueth his wife. Chriſt in giuing direction for reprouing aright, layeth downe this as a ground, If thy brother ſhall treſpaſſe, &c. a treſpaſſe¹⁰⁷⁵ therefore muſt goe before reproofe: where no treſpaſſe is, there reproofe is vniuſt.

1. 1075. Matth. 18. 15. [moved in the edition]

Againe, the Apoſtle aduiſeth that an accuſation ſhould not¹⁰⁷⁶ be receiued but vnder two, or three witneſſes; whereby he implieth that a light report muſt not be receiued, but where blame is laid, there muſt be two or three witneſſes to confirme it, ſo as he that cenſureth may haue good and ſure ground for that which he doth: indeed that aduiſe was in particular giuen about an elder, but from the leſſe to the greater it will follow to be a good aduiſe concerning wiues: for no kinde of perſon muſt be more warie in laying blame vpon another and reproouing for the ſame, then an husband on his wife.

1. 1076. 1 Tim 5. 19.

Equitie further requireth that the matter for which an huſband¹⁰⁷⁷ reproueth his wife be weightie; namely for ſome fault that is dangerous to her ſoule, hurtfull to their eſtate, contagious by reaſon of ill example to children, and others in the family, but moſt of all for ſinne againſt God which prouoketh his wrath, and pulleth downe his heauie curſe vpon him, her, and the whole family.

1. 1077. 2. Weigh. y.

When that for which a wife is reproued is a truth, a knowne p. 381 truth, and a weightie truth, the husband in performing this dutie iuſtifieth his deed, ſheweth that there was need thereof, and ſo giueth euidence of his loue, maketh his reproofe to pierce the more deeply, and ſo maketh her the more aſhamed of her fault; whence it will follow, that either ſhe will amend her fault or at leaſt will haue her mouth ſtopped, ſo as ſhe ſhall haue nothing to except againſt it. The reproofe of the three Saints before mentioned,¹⁰⁷⁸ Iaakob,¹⁰⁷⁹ Iob, and¹⁰⁸⁰ Dauid, were anſwerable to theſe points of Iuſtice and wiſdome: and the effects thereof anſwerable to thoſe which we haue noted in this reaſon, as the ſilence of the three wiues implieth: for none of them replied againe.

1. 1078. Gen. 30. 2. [moved in the edition]
2. 1079. Iob 2. 10. [moved in the edition]
3. 1080. 2 Sam. 6. 21, 22. [moved in the edition]

Contrary to the forenamed Iuſtice and equitie are ouerlight¹⁰⁸¹ credulitie and vndue ſuſpicion. Credulitie is when credence is giuen to euery light report, and thereupon blame laid vpon the wife before any iuſt proofe be made of that for which ſhe is blamed: whereby it oft commeth to paſſe, that ſhe is wrongfully and vniuſtly blamed: which if ſhe be, what good fruit can proceed from ſuch reproofes? yea what euill fruits are not like to proceed from thence, as ſecret diſcontent (if not malice and hatred) and open contentions and brawlings?

1. 1081. Contrary, 1. Credulitie.

The like may be ſaid of light and cauſeleſſe ſuſpicion, which¹⁰⁸² is the mother of iealouſie, and the very bane of mariage, from whence the deuill taketh great aduantage againſt them both, ſeeking thereby to vnlooſe that knot which God hath ſo firmly knit betwixt them. Suſpicion to the minde is as a coloured glaſſe to the eie, which repreſenteth things to the ſight not as indeed they are in their owne true colour, but as the colour of the glaſſe is. Suſpicion will make a man peruert euery thing that his wife doth, and blame her many times for ſuch things as are praiſe-worthy: in which caſe what can be thought, but that an husband ſeeketh aduantage againſt his wife, rather then any good vnto her?

1. 1082. 2. Suſpicion.

If to thoſe two forenamed vices (credulity and ſuſpicion) he¹⁰⁸³ adde raſhneſſe and haſtineſſe in reprouing, and make euery small and light matter which any way he diſliketh, matter of p. 382 reproofe, doth he not proclaime to all that ſhall know it, that he loues chiding more then he loues his wife? Yea is not this the ready way to make all his reproofe (if not ſcorned) lightly regarded? What then will be the profit of them?

1. 1083. 3. Raſhneſſe.

To the matter of reproofe ſome adde, that an husband ought not to reproue his wife for that fault whereof he himſelfe is guiltie: but I make doubt of this direction. I denie not but that he ought to haue an eſpeciall care that he be not guiltie of that crime for which he blameth his wife; otherwiſe, 1. he blunteth the edge of his reproofe, ſo as readily it cannot peirce into her heart. 2. He cauſeth it to rebound backe againe vpon himſelfe with theſe reproches, Phyſitian healethy¹⁰⁸⁴ ſelfe: Hypocrite firſt caſt the beame out of thine owne eye. Thou that teacheſt another teacheſt thou not thy ſelfe? 3. He is an heauy witneſſe againſt himſelfe; for in that he iudgeth another he condemneth himſelfe. But thereupon to infer, that becauſe he is guiltie of ſuch vices as are in his wife, he ought not to reproue her though ſhe be worthy to be reproued, is ſcarſe ſound and good diuinitie: for thus he maketh himſelfe guilty of a double fault, one of committing the ſinne himſelfe, the other of ſuffering his wife to lie therein: whereas if he reproued his wife, he might thereby reclaime both her and himſelfe: for I doubt not but his reprouing of his wife would ſtrike deeper into his owne conſcience then if a third ſhould reproue them both. How were Iudah and Dauid ſtroken to¹⁰⁸⁵ the heart after they had giuen ſentence againſt ſuch crimes as they themſelues were guiltie of? It is a good aduice that no man be guiltie of that which he reproueth in his wife, but it is no good rule to ſay, no man ought to reproue his wife of that whereof he is guiltie.

1. 1084. Luk 4. 23. Mat. 7. 5. Rom. 2. 21. Rom. 2. 1.
2. 1085. Gen. 38. 26. 2 Sam. 12. 13. [moved in the edition]

Like directions to thoſe which were giuen for the manner¹⁰⁸⁶ of commanding muſt be obſerued in the manner of reprouing.

1. 1086. Manner of reprouing.

Reproofes therefore muſt be Rare.

Meeke.

When reproofes are ſeldome vſed, not but vpon vrgent and¹⁰⁸⁷ p. 383 neceſſary occaſion, 1. It ſheweth that an husband taketh no delight in rebuking his wife, but is euen forced thereto. 2. It maketh his wife much more regard it. 3. It is like to worke a more perfect cure, for ſeldome and rare reproofes doe commonly peirce moſt deeply.

1. 1087. 1. Seldome.

Contrary is continuall chiding, and finding fault with a¹⁰⁸⁸ wife for euery thing amiſſe: if not only the wife her ſelfe, but a childe, or ſeruant, or any elſe in the houſe doe amiſſe, the wife ſhall be blamed for it. This is too common a fault in huſbands: whereby they much prouoke their wiues; yea and many times make them no more regard a reproofe then any other word. For as birds which alwaies abide in Belfries where much ringing is, are not a whit afrighted with their lowd ſound; ſo wiues who haue their eares from time to time filled with their husbands rebuke, by vſe are brought, nothing at all to be moued therewith.

1. 1088. Contrary, continuall chiding.

2. That a reproofe muſt be giuen in meekneſſe is cleere by¹⁰⁸⁹ the Apoſtles generall precept of reſtoring one in the ſpirit of meekneſſe: for a right manner of reprouing is thereby particularly intended. Now of all with whom we haue to doe, no fitter obiect for meekneſſe then a wife, who in a more peculiar manner then any other is thine owne fleſh.

1. 1089. 2. Reproue mildly. Gal 6. 1.

Meekneſſe hath reſpect both to ſecrecie of place, and to ſoftneſſe of words.

When an husband is alone with his wife, then is the fitteſt¹⁰⁹⁰ ſeaſon for reproofe: thus will reproofe be anſwerable to Chriſts direction: tell him his fault betweene thee and him alone (ſaith Chriſt of a brother:) but no brother muſt be tendred more then a wife. Thus will it alſo ſoake better into her ſoule, when no conceit of diſhonour and diſcredit ſhall ariſe vp to hinder the worke of it: which conceits will be ready to ariſe when a reproofe is giuen in publike before others. Thus likewiſe will occaſion be taken away from children and ſeruants of deſpiſing her: which otherwiſe they would quickly take, if before them ſhe ſhould be rebuked; gathering from thence, that ſhe is kept vnder as much as they: now becauſe ſhe is with him a ioynt gouernour of them, he ought by all meanes to maintaine her reputation before them.

1. 1090. 3. Reproue in ſecret. Mat. 18. 15.

Anſw. He may follow Chriſts direction, Take one or two more, namely wiſe, graue, faithfull friends, if it may be, of her kindred, as her parents (if ſhe haue any liuing) or ſuch as are in courſe of nature next to parents (if they be not partiall on her ſide) and before them rebuke her: but by no meanes before any of the houſe vnder her gouernment.

1. 1091. Direction for reprouing ſuch a wife as regardeth not a ſecret reproofe. Mat. 18. 15.

2. Queſt. What if her fault be publicke, ſuch an one as¹⁰⁹² may be an ill example to them of the houſe, it being committed in their ſight, or brought ſome other way to their knowledge?

1. 1092. Direction for reprouing a wife whoſe offence is publike.

Anſw. Wiſely he muſt ſo manifeſt his diſlike of her fault, as he no way impaire her honour: he may therefore declare that ſuch a thing was not well done, and fore-warne his houſhold of committing the like; yea roundly threaten them that if any of them doe the like they ſhall dearely repent it; and if ſuch as are vnder correction offend therein, the more ſurely and ſeuerely correct them, euen becauſe they haue taken example. Thus ſhall he teſtifie a great good reſpect of his wife, and alſo a thorow diſlike and hatred of her ſinne.

2. A ſoft tongue (as Salomon noteth) breaketh the bones,¹⁰⁹³ that is, ſoftneth an hard heart, and beateth downe a ſtout ſtomacke. How will it then worke vpon a ſoft heart, and gentle diſpoſition? If therefore an husband looke to doe good by reprouing his wife, his reproofe muſt be ſo ordered, as it may ſeeme to be rather a gentle admonition, then a ſharpe rebuke. He may and ought plainly to declare her fault vnto her, but in milde and meeke tearmes, without reuiling, opprobrious and ignominious words.

1. 1093. 4. Reproue gently. Pro. 25. 15.

Anſw. In an extraordinary caſe ſome ſharpneſſe may be¹⁰⁹⁴ vſed: as the reproofes of Iaakob, Iob, and Dauid doe ſhew, for they were euery one of them ſharpe: but yet this ſharpneſſe muſt not be made bitter by any euill language. A womans wickedneſſe may not moue an husband to be froward, and¹⁰⁹⁵ outragious; but rather to be the more watchfull ouer himſelfe, that he containe himſelfe within the bounds of diſcretion and moderation. For which end it is meete that husbands lay it p. 385 downe for a rule, neuer to rebuke their wiues when they are in paſſion. Paſſion raiſeth a darke miſt before the eies of reaſon; which, while it remaineth, keepeth reaſon from giuing any good direction. Yea paſſion is as a fire, and it ſo incenſeth a man, and diſtempereth him, that in his diſorder he can keepe no meane or meaſure. Howſoeuer a man be not able to rule himſelfe when paſſion is ſtirred vp, yet, if before hand while his eie is ſingle, and his whole body light, while he is in tune (as we¹⁰⁹⁶ ſpeake) and well tempered, he reſoluedly determine with himſelfe not to doe ſuch or ſuch a thing in his paſſion; that fore-going reſolution will be an eſpeciall means to make him forbeare doing that in paſſion, which if he ſhould doe, he could not in paſſion well order and moderate. For if once he begin to doe a thing in paſſion, the leaſt prouocation that can be, will be as bellowes to blow vp that fire into a flame.

1. 1094. A reproofe may be ſharpe not bitter. Gen. 30. 2. Iob 2. 10.
2. 1095. 2 Sam. 6. 21, 22. Rebuke neuer to be giuen by a man in paſſion.
3. 1096. Mat. 6. 22. [moved in the edition]

In regard of the violence of paſſion (wherein women by¹⁰⁹⁷ reaſon of the weakneſſe of their iudgement are for the moſt part moſt violent) it is alſo the part of a wiſe man to forbeare this duty of reprouing his wife euen when ſhe is in paſſion. For as it is needfull that he ſhould be in caſe well to giue a reproofe, ſo as needfull it is that ſhe ſhould be in caſe well to take a rebuke. Paſſion both filleth and feſtereth ones heart. The heart then being full of paſſion, what roome is left for good aduice? will a man powre wine into a veſſell full of water, or ſtay, till all the water be dreaned out?

1. 1097. Rebuke to be put off while a wife is in paſſion.

The heart alſo being ſo feſtered as it ſauoureth of nothing but paſſion, what good can then good aduice doe?

It is therefore an eſpeciall point of wiſdome, and ſheweth a good reſpect that a man beareth to his wife, yea it ſauoureth of much meekneſſe and moderation for an husband, well to weigh both his owne and his wiues temper when he reproueth her, and to forbeare doing it while either he or ſhe be in paſſion.

Contrary is the indiſcretion of husbands who regard nor place, nor perſons, nor time, nor temper of themſelues or their wiues, nor any other circumſtance in reprouing, but like Saul (who at a table where a great feaſt was, in preſence of his Nobles p. 386 and Captaines, when he was inraged with anger, with moſt virulent and bitter ſpeeches not rebuked onely but reproached alſo his ſonne, and that with ſuch words as he ſpared not his owne wife; for in his paſſion he called his ſonne, ſonne¹⁰⁹⁸ of the peruerſe rebellious woman:) like this fooliſh and furious Saul, I ſay, they take the moſt open place of the family before children, ſeruants, and whole houſe, to reproue their wiues; and that with ſuch bitter and diſgracefull termes, as either they prouoke their wiues to anſwer againe for maintaining (as they thinke) their owne credit and reputation, (thus Ionathan¹⁰⁹⁹ was prouoked to anſwer his father againe:) or elſe giue them of the houſe that behold her thus trampled vnder foot, occaſion to ſet their feet alſo vpon her.

1. 1098. 1 Sam. 20. 30.
2. 1099. 1 Sam. 20. 32.

Moſt husbands are forward enough to reproue, but few doe it in meekneſſe, and moderation. They cannot doe it but in company, nor without bitter words. Many in rebuking their wiues, ſticke not to vſe all the euill termes that they can thinke of, euen ſuch as tend not only to their wiues diſhonour, but alſo to their owne and their childrens infamy. The reaſon whereof is, becauſe they neuer rebuke but when they are in paſſion, and ſo ſcarſe know what they doe: whereby alſo they ſtirre vp paſſion in their wiues, and yet for all that refraine not any whit the more, but rather grow more violent: as when the heat of two fires meet together, the flame muſt needs be the greater. This being the prepoſterous practiſe of many husbands, is it any maruell that ordinarily ſo little good, and ſo much hurt is done by reprouing? Nay, would it not be a wonder, if any good, and no hurt ſhould be done thereby? This therefore though it be a duty, yet a dutie rarely and with great moderation to be vſed.

Thus farre of an husbands mildneſſe in his ſpeeches to his wife.