A Husband’s Kind Conduct toward His Wife

An husbands cariage towards his wife muſt be anſwerable¹¹⁰¹ to his ſpeech, or elſe all the mildneſſe thereof will ſeeme but complementall.

1. 1100. Treat. 3. §. 10. [moved in the edition]
2. 1101. An husbands cariage muſt be milde.

p. 387 A mans cariage compriſeth vnder it, his Countenance, Geſture, Actions: in all which muſt mildneſſe be ſeated.

1. His countenance in his wiues preſence, and towards his¹¹⁰² wife, muſt be compoſed to an amiable pleaſantneſſe. His authority ouer her, and eminencie aboue her, may not make him forget the neere coniunction and vnion betwixt them.

1. 1102. 1. A milde countenance.

Vnder the face and countenance I compriſe head, brow, eies, lips and ſuch other parts which are, according as they are framed, ſignes of amiableneſſe, or diſcontentedneſſe. Now among, and aboue other parts of the body, the outward compoſition of the countenance doth ſooneſt and beſt declare the inward diſpoſition of the heart. By Eſaus pleaſant countenance Iaakob perceiued that he was pacified in his heart towards him, and thereupon ſaid, I haue ſeene thy face as though I had¹¹⁰³ ſeene the face of God, that is, an amiable, gracious countenance. On this ground Dauid deſired God, to lift vp the light of his¹¹⁰⁴ countenance vpon him, that thereby he might know the fauour and loue of God towards him. On the other ſide by a frowning and lowring face, by hanging downe the head, putting out the lips, with the like, anger, malice, griefe, with other like affections of heart, are manifeſted: by Caines caſting downe¹¹⁰⁵ of his countenance God diſcerned anger and enuy to be in his heart: by Labans countenance Iaakob obſerued that his affection¹¹⁰⁶ was turned from him. A wife then beholding mildneſſe and amiableneſſe in her husbands face, beholds it as the face of God, and therein as in a looking glaſſe beholds the kindneſſe and loue of his heart, and ſo hath her heart thereby the more firmely knit vnto him, and is moued the more to reſpect him.

1. 1103. Gen. 33. 10.
2. 1104. Pſal. 4. 6.
3. 1105. Gen. 4. 6.
4. 1106. Gen. 31. 2. [moved in the edition]

Contrary is 1. A loftie proud countenance, as of an imperious¹¹⁰⁷ Lord ouer his vaſſals.

1. 1107. Contrary. 1. A lofty brow.

2. A grim ſterne countenance, as of a iudge ouer poore priſoners.¹¹⁰⁸

1. 1108. 2. A grim looke.

3. A lowring frowning countenance, as of a diſcontented¹¹⁰⁹ creditor ouer a deſperate debtor.

1. 1109. 3. A frowning forehead.

4. A fierce fiery countenance, as of an angry King ouer a¹¹¹⁰ ſubiect that hath diſpleaſed him.

1. 1110. 4. A fiery eye.

p. 388 Theſe and ſuch like countenances as they manifeſt a proud, ſtout, furious diſcontented diſpoſition of heart, ſo they cannot but giue great diſcontent to a wife, yea and much affright her being but a weake veſſell, and alienate her heart and affection from him.

II. An husbands geſture ought to be ſo familiar, and amiable¹¹¹¹ towards his wife, as others may diſcerne him to be her husband, and his wife may be prouoked to be familiar with him. They which this way are ready to ſhew themſelues kind and milde husbands, are prone to exceed and ſo to fall into an extreame on the right hand: for ſome are neuer well but when they haue their wiues in their laps, euer colling, kiſſing, and dallying with them, they care not in what company; thus they ſhew more lightneſſe, fondneſſe, and dotage, then true kindneſſe and loue, which forgetteth not an husband-like grauity, ſobriety, modeſty and decency.

1. 1111. 2. Mild geſlure.

Some ſticke not to alledge Iſaacks ſporting with Rebeckah, to¹¹¹² countenance their laſciuiouſneſſe.¹¹¹³

1. 1112. Obiect.
2. 1113. Gen. 26. 8. [moved in the edition]

But they forget that what Iſaak did, was when he and his¹¹¹⁴ wife were alone: he was ſeene through a window. Much greater liberty is granted to man and wife when they are alone, then in company. Beſides there are many other waies to ſhew kindneſſe and familiarity, then by lightneſſe and wantonneſſe.

1. 1114. Anſw.

Contrary to the familiaritie I ſpeake of, is (as we ſpeake) ſtrangeneſſe, when an husband ſo carrieth himſelfe towards his wife as if ſhe were a ſtranger to him: if he come in cōpany where his wife is, of all other women he will not turne to her, nor take notice of her. This fault is ſo much the greater if ſuch a man be of a free pleaſant cariage, and vſe to be merry and familiar with other women. Though his mirth and familiarity be ſuch as is not vnbeſeeming a Chriſtian, yet his cariage being of another temper towards his wife, it may be a meanes to breed iealouſie in her. Many thinke outward kinde geſture towards p. 389 wife to be fondneſſe, but if they knew what a meanes it is to ſtirre vp, increaſe, and preſerue loue in a wiues heart to her husband, they would be otherwiſe minded.

III. Actions are of all other the moſt reall demonſtrations of true kindneſſe, wherein an husband muſt not faile, as he would haue his kinde ſpeech, countenance, and geſture to be taken in the better part. Kindneſſe and mildneſſe in action conſiſteth in giuing fauours (as we ſpeake) vnto his wife. This is expreſly noted in Elkanah, who euery yeere gaue fauours to¹¹¹⁵ his wiues. Thus an husband as he teſtifieth his loue to his wife, ſo he will much prouoke her to doe all duty to him. A ſmall gift, as an action of kindneſſe freely giuen, not vpon any debt, but in teſtimony of loue, doth more worke on the heart of her to whom it is giuen, then much more giuen vpon contract, or for a worke done, whereby it may ſeeme to be deſerued.

1. 1115. 1 Sam. 1. 4, 5.

In giuing fauours to a wife, an husband ought to be more bountifull and liberall, then to others, that ſo ſhe may ſee thereby he loues her aboue all; as it is noted that Elkanah gaue Annah a worthy portion, becauſe he loued her. And in giuing¹¹¹⁶ fauours it is beſt to beſtow them with his owne hands, vnleſſe he be abſent from her.

1. 1116. 1 Sam. 1. 4. [moved in the edition]

Contrary are the furious, and ſpightfull actions of many vnkinde husbands (heads too heady) whoſe fauours are buffets,¹¹¹⁷ blowes, ſtrokes, & ſtripes: wherein they are worſe then the venemous viper. For the viper for his mates ſake caſteth out his poiſon: and wilt not thou, ô husband, in reſpect of that neere vnion which is betwixt thee and thy wife, lay aſide thy fierceneſſe and cruelty? Many wiues by reaſon of their huſbands furie, are in worſe caſe then ſeruants: for

1. 1117. Vipera virus ob venerationem nuptiarum euomit. Et tu duritiem animi, tuferitatem, tu crudelitatem ob vnionis reuerentiam non deponis? Baſil. Hexaem. hom. 7. Ambr. Hexaem. l. 5. c. 7. vrget hanc ipſam ſimilitudinem.

1. Such as will not giue a blow to a ſeruant, care not what load they lay vpon their wiues.

2. Where ſeruants haue but a time and terme to be vnder the tyranny of ſuch furious men, poore wiues are tied to them all their life long.

p. 390 3. Wiues can not haue ſo good remedy by the helpe of law againſt cruell husbands, as ſeruants may haue againſt cruell maſters.

4. Maſters haue not ſuch opportunity to exerciſe their cruelty ouer ſeruants as husbands ouer wiues, who are to be continually at boord and bed with their husbands.

5. The neerer wiues are, and the dearer they ought to be to their husbands, the more grieuous muſt ſtroakes needs be when they are giuen by an husbands hand, then by a maſters.¹¹¹⁸

1. 1118. Huiuſmodi virum (ſiquidem vir appellandus eſt potius quàm fera) & patricidae, & matricidae ſimilem dixeris. Chryſ. hom. 26. in 1 Cor. 11. [moved in the edition]

6. The leſſe power and authority that an husband hath to ſtrike his wife, then a maſter to ſtrike a ſeruant, the more heauie doe his ſtroakes ſeeme to be, and the worſe doth the caſe of a wife ſeeme to be in that reſpect, then of a ſeruant. Not vnfitly therefore is ſuch a man (if he may be thought a man rather then a beaſt) ſaid to be like a father-queller and mother-queller.

Anſw. With ſubmiſſion to better iudgements, I thinke he may not: my reaſons are theſe.

1. 1119. An husband may not beat his wife.

1. There is no warrant thorowout the whole Scripture¹¹²⁰ by precept, or example for it: which argument though it be negatiue, yet for the point in hand is a forceable argument in two reſpects. 1. Becauſe the Scripture hath ſo plentifully and particularly declared the ſeuerall duties of husbands and wiues: and yet hath deliuered nothing concerning an huſbands ſtriking and beating his wife. 2. Becauſe it hath alſo plentifully and particularly ſpoaken of all ſuch as are to correct, and of their manner of correcting, and of their bearing correction who are to be corrected, and of the vſe they are to make thereof; and yet not any thing at all concerning an husbands puniſhing, or a wiues bearing in this kinde. The Scripture being ſo ſilent in this point, we may well inferre that God hath not ranked wiues among thoſe in the family who are to be corrected.

1. 1120. Reaſons. 1. No warrant in the word.

2. That ſmall diſparity which (as I haue¹¹²¹ before ſhewed) is¹¹²² betwixt man and wife, permitteth not ſo high a power in an husband, and ſo low a ſeruitude in a wife, as for him to beat her. Can it be thought reaſonable that ſhe who is the mans p. 391 perpetuall bed-fellow, who hath power ouer his body, who¹¹²³ is a ioynt parent of the children, a ioynt gouernour of the family, ſhould be beaten by his hands? What if children or ſeruants ſhould know of it? (as they muſt needs: for how can ſuch a thing be done in the houſe and they of the houſe know it not?) can they reſpect her as a mother, or a miſtreſſe who is vnder correction as well as they?

1. 1121. §. 4.
2. 1122. 2. Small diſparity.
3. 1123. Summa iniuria eſt vitae ſociam, & in rebus neceſſarijs tibi coniunctam, taquàm mancipium ignominia affioere. Chryſ. ibid.

3. The neere coniunction, and very vnion that is betwixt¹¹²⁴ man and wife ſuffereth not ſuch dealing to paſſe betwixt them. The wife is as a mans ſelfe,¹¹²⁵ They two are one fleſh. No man but a frantike, furious, deſperat wretch will beat himſelfe. Two ſorts of men are in Scripture noted to cut and lanch their owne fleſh, idolaters, as the¹¹²⁶ Baalites, and Daemoniacks, as¹¹²⁷ he that was poſſeſſed with a legion of deuils. Such are they who beat their wiues, either blinded in their vnderſtanding, or poſſeſſed with a deuill.

1. 1124. 3. Neere coniunction.
2. 1125. Eph. 5. 31. [moved in the edition]
3. 1126. 1 King. 18. 28.
4. 1127. Mar. 5. 5.

Obiect. He that is beſt in his wits will ſuffer his body to be pinched, pricked, lanched, and otherwiſe pained, if it be needfull and behoofull.

Anſw. 1. A mans heart will not ſuffer him to doe any of theſe himſelfe: their are Chirurgions whoſe office it is to doe ſuch things: if the Chirurgion himſelfe haue need of any ſuch remedy for his owne body, he will vſe the helpe of another Chirurgion. If the caſe ſo ſtand as a wife muſt needs be beaten, it is fitter for an husband to referre the matter to a publike Magiſtrate (who is as an approued and licenſed Chirurgion) and not to doe it with his owne hands.

2. Though ſome parts of the body may be ſo dealt withall, yet euery part may not, as the heart, which the wife is to the man.

3. The compariſon holdeth not. For the fore-named pinching, lanching, &c. is no puniſhment for any fault, as the beating of a wife in queſtion is, there is no queſtion but a man that hath skill may if need be open a veine, lanch a boile, ſplinter a broken bone, or diſioynted ioynt in his wiues body, which may be more painfull then correction: and herein the compariſon holdeth, but not in the other.

2. Obiect. There is as neere a coniunction betwixt Chriſt p. 392 and his Church, as betwixt man and wife: yet Chriſt for beareth not to correct and puniſh his Church.

Anſw. There is a double relation betwixt Chriſt and the Church: he is an husband vnto it, hauing made it of his fleſh, and of his bones: and a ſupreme Lord ouer it, hauing all power¹¹²⁸ in heauen and earth committed vnto him. In this latter reſpect he puniſheth, not in the former. An husband is not ſuch a ſupreme Lord ouer his wife: therefore Chriſts example, is no warrant to him.

1. 1128. Eph. 5. 30. Mat. 28. 18.

4. There is no hope of any good to proceed from an huſbands¹¹²⁹ beating of his wife: for where the party corrected is perſwaded that the party which correcteth hath no authority or right ſo to doe, it will not be brought patiently to take it: but will reſiſt, and ſtriue if it be poſſible to get the maſtery. Let a ſtranger ſtrike ſuch a childe of yeeres or a ſeruant as will patiently beare many ſtroakes at a parents or maſters hand, they will turne againe at that ſtranger, and indeauour to giue him as good as he brings: now a wife hauing no ground to be perſwaded that her husband hath authority to¹¹³⁰ beat her, what hope is there that ſhe will patiently beare it, and be bettered by it? Or rather is it not likely that ſhe will, if ſhe can, riſe againſt him, ouer-maſter him (as many doe) and neuer doe any duty aright? A fault in a wife is not taken away but increaſed by blowes.

1. 1129. 4. No profit: much miſchiefe.
2. 1130. Adhibitis verberibus morbus non tollitur, ſed augetur, & exaſperatur. Melch. Iun. quaeſt. Polit. par. 2.

Anſw. Such dread and awe beſeemes neither the place of an husband to exact it, nor the place of a wife to yeeld it. Though perforce ſhe may be brought to yeeld ſome outward ſubiection, yet inward hatred of her husbands perſon may be ioyned therewith, which is as bad, if not worſe then outward diſobedience.

1. Anſw. It hath beene of old time anſwered, that no fault ſhould be ſo great, as to compell an husband to beat his wife.

1. 1131. Nullum ſit tam magnum peccatum, quod ad verberandum vxorem compellat. Chryſ. hom. 26. in 1 Cor. 11.

2. Anſw. Other forceable meanes may be vſed beſides beating by her husbands hands: ſhe may be reſtrained of libertie, denied ſuch things as ſhe moſt affecteth, be kept vp, as it were, in hold; p. 393 and, if no other meanes will ſerue the turne, be put ouer to the Magiſtrates hands, that if ſhe be of ſo ſeruile a diſpoſition, as by no other meanes ſhe will be kept vnder then by feare and force, by ſmart and paine, ſhe may feare the Magiſtrate, and feele his hand, rather then her husbands.

Obiect. If a wife waxe ſo manniſh, or rather mad, as to offer to ſtrike and beat her husband, may he not in that caſe beat her to make her ceaſe her outrage?

Anſw. I doubt not but that that good prouiſion which is made in law to preſerue a mans life, may be applied to this purpoſe. The law ſimply condemnes all murther; yet if a man be ſo aſſaulted, as there is no way to preſerue his owne life, but by taking away his life that aſſaults him, it condemneth not him as a murtherer, becauſe he did it in defence of himſelfe. So if an huſband¹¹³² be ſet vpon by his wife, it is lawfull and expedient that he defend himſelfe, and if he can doe it no other wayes but by ſtriking her, that is not to be reckoned an vnlawfull beating her.

1. 1132. Sedefendendo.

Hither to of the husbands auoiding of offence, a word concerning his bearing with offence.

A generall dutie it is, common to all of all ſorts, to beare one¹¹³³ anothers burden: in which extent euen a wife is to beare her huſbands burden, becauſe he, as euery one elſe, is ſubiect to ſlip and fall, and ſo hath need to be ſupported. Yet after a more ſpeciall and peculiar manner doth this dutie belong to an husband, and that in two reſpects.

1. 1133. Gal. 6. 2.

1. Of the two, he is more bound then his wife, becauſe in relation to his wife he is the ſtronger: for ſhe is the weaker veſſell,¹¹³⁴ 1. Pet. 3. 7. But the ſtrong are moſt bound to beare with the infirmities of the weake, Rom. 15. 1.

1. 1134. Conſidera mulierem debile vas eſſe: tu autem vir propterea princeps factus es, vt ſubditae feras imbecillitatem. Chryſ. hom. 26. in 1. Cor. 11.

2. He is bound to beare with his wife more then with any other, becauſe of that neere coniunction which is betwixt them: he that cannot beare with his wife, his fleſh, can beare with no bodie. The reaſon alleaged by the Apoſtle to moue a man to dwell with his wife according to knowledge, and to giue honour to her, intimated in this phraſe, as to the weaker veſſell, ſheweth that this is a peculiar dutie belonging to an husband, wherein, and whereby he¹¹³⁵ p. 394 may both manifeſt his knowledge and wiſdome, and alſo doe honour to his wife. For why is he put in minde of her weakneſſe, but to ſhew he ſhould beare with her?

1. 1135. 1. Pet. 3. 7. [moved in the edition]

As that phraſe intimateth the dutie, ſo alſo it intimateth a good reaſon to inforce it. For pretious things, whereof we make high account, the weaker they be, the more tenderly, and charily are they handled, as Cheney diſhes, and chriſtall glaſſes: and of all parts of the bodie, the eye is moſt tenderly handled. Now what things, what perſons are more deare and pretious then a wife? yet withall ſhe is a weake veſſell: therefore ſhe is much to be borne withall.

For an husbands better direction herein, difference muſt be¹¹³⁶ made betwixt infirmities: for ſome are naturall imperfections, other are actuall tranſgreſſions. Naturall imperfections are inward, (as ſlowneſſe in conceit, dulneſſe in apprehenſion, ſhortneſſe of memorie, haſtineſſe in paſſion, &c.) or outward, (as lameneſſe, blindneſſe, deafneſſe, or any other defect, and deformitie of bodie.) Theſe infirmities ſhould breed pitie, compaſſion, commiſeration, yea and greater tenderneſſe and reſpect, but no offence. Note Abrahams example in this caſe: his wife was barren, yet he deſpiſed¹¹³⁷ her not for it, nor vpbraided her with any ſuch thing.

1. 1136. Directions to husbands for bearing with their wiues infirmities.
2. 1137. Neque Saram tanquam ſterilem contempſit Abraham: ne ꝗ quicquam tale exprobauit. Si vxor pauper ſit, noli exprobare: & ſi ſtulta, noli ei inſultare, Ibid. Uxor iracunda &c. admonenda & adiuvanda conſilio, & omni conatu anniten. dum, vt illis liberetur affectibus, Ibid.

Actuall tranſgreſſions are breaches of Gods law: whereof ſuch are here ment, as are moſt directly tending to his owne diſquiet, and diſaduantage, as ſhrewiſhneſſe, waiwardneſſe, niceneſſe, ſtubbornneſſe, &c. In the bearing of theſe muſt an husband eſpecially ſhew his wiſdome, and that ſundry wayes.

1. By vſing the beſt and mildeſt meanes he can to redreſſe them, as meeke admonition, ſeaſonable aduice, gentle intreatie, and compaſſionate affection. Elkanah ſuppoſing that his wife offended in her paſſion, thus dealt with her and ſupported her.

2. By remouing the ſtone whereat ſhe ſtumbleth, by taking away the occaſion (ſo far as conueniently he can) which maketh her offend. Thus Abram, and that by Gods aduice, put Hagar and her ſonne out of the houſe, becauſe they were an offence to Sarah.

3. By turning his eyes away (if the matter be not great, but¹¹³⁸ ſuch as may be tolerated) and taking no notice of the offence, but rather paſſing by it, as if he perceiued it not. Solomon ſaith, that p. 395 it is a mans glory to paſſe ouer a tranſgreſſion: and he exhorteth a¹¹³⁹ man not to giue his heart to all the words that men ſpeake.

1. 1138. 1 Sam. 1. 8. Gen. 21. 14.
2. 1139. Prou. 19. 11. Eccl 7. 23. [moved in the edition]

4. By forgiuing and forgetting it (if notice be taken thereof.) Iaakob tooke notice of Rachels raſh, and froward demand, for he¹¹⁴⁰ rebuked her for it: yet in that he readily yeelded to that which afterwards ſhe moued him vnto, it appeareth that he forgaue the offence, if not forgat it.

1. 1140. Gen. 30. 1. 2, &c.

The beſt triall of a mans affection to his wife, and of his wiſdome¹¹⁴¹ in ordering the ſame, is in this point of bearing with offences. Not to be offended with a wife that giueth no offence is not praiſe-worthy: heathen men may goe ſo farre. Note what Chriſt ſaith of this caſe, If yee loue them which loue you, and doe good to¹¹⁴² them that doe good to you, what thanks and reward haue ye? for publicans, and ſinners doe the ſame: but gently to forbeare, and wiſely to paſſe ouer offences when they are giuen, not to be prouoked when there is cauſe of prouocation miniſtred, is a true Chriſtian vertue, a vertue beſeeming husbands better then any other kinde of men.

1. 1141. Reaſon. Beſt tryall of a mans wiſdome & loue.
2. 1142. Matth. 5. 46. Luk. 6. 32, 33.

Contrary is teſtineſſe, and peeuiſhneſſe, when husbands are moued with the leaſt prouocation, like tinder catching fire at the leaſt ſparke that falleth vpon it: yea many are like gunpowder, which not only taketh fire, but alſo breaketh out into a violent flame, vpon the leaſt touch of fire: as gunpowder is dangerous to be kept in an houſe, ſo ſuch husbands to be ioyned ſo neerely to wiues as mariage ioyneth them. If it be ſaid, that as gunpowder doth no hurt, if fire come not at it; ſo they are good and kinde, if they be not prouoked and diſpleaſed. I anſwer, that we haue a prouerbe that ſaith, The deuill is good while he is pleaſed, yet it is not ſafe to haue the deuill too neere. It is as impoſſible (conſidering mans weakneſſe) that he ſhould liue and conuerſe with any, and not giue offence, as for flint ſtones long to beat and daſh againſt one another, & no ſparke of fire to come from them. How then may it be thought poſſible for a wife, who is ſo continually conuerſant with her husband, and the weaker veſſell, to liue without giuing him offence? It is no very kinde ſpeech, which huſbands vſe, eſpecially if they be told of their vnkindneſſe, Let my wife deſerue fauour, and ſhe ſhall haue it. How little fauour would p. 396 ſuch husbands haue of Chriſt their husband, if he ſhould be of that minde towards them?

Thus farre hath beene handled the firſt part of an husbands well managing his authoritie, by a tender reſpect of his wife.

The ſecond is a prouident care for her.